I am not quite sure what to say tonight. I really want to say that everything is just perfect and all is well, but I would be lying. Today has been a day of ups and downs...both for me and for my kids. I don't really want to share any specifics but just know that at the end of today, I feel kind of sad. Things are really going very well- over all. We have made lots of progress in one week and I believe that we are all bonding as a family. All three of our new kids have been to at least one full day of school. I'm proud of them for getting started so soon. All of the administrators and teachers have been so helpful and WONDERFUL! We are so appreciative.
So why am I sad? Well, relationships are complicated...no matter what. The dynamics of our family has changed and we all are adjusting. I have been mothering children for a long time, but why do I feel so inadequate now? I have never been one to hover over my kids, but I find myself hovering a lot these days. I want to make sure everyone is happy and getting along. I have that insatiable urge to FIX everything. The reality is... that I can't fix everything or make everyone happy. Is it wrong to wish that I could???
People come to me and say, "You are so wonderful" or "Wow! I could never do what you are doing" or "You are doing such a wonderful thing!" As much as I appreciate those nice words, I sure don't feel so wonderful. I don't feel very patient or kind or qualified to parent more children. I am supposed to be the mom, the leader, the steady and seasoned one...but I am just me, doing what I think is right with a giant dose of humility. I guess that in spite of my weaknesses, I am trying to do the best I can. I am learning so much about grace for the day. If I didn't believe that God was holding me in the palm of His hand, I don't know what kind of shape I would be in. It gives me great comfort knowing this.
While we were in the Philippines, someone VERY dear to me sent this passage of Scripture. It was so helpful to me then. I would like to share it with you now.
"I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit - not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength - that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all Christians the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! LIVE FULL LIVES, full in the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:16-30 (The Message)
Thanks for allowing me to share my journey.
7 comments:
Mary,
I read your post and feel like I can recall those emotions so well. Every experience is vastly different but wanting it to all blend together sooner rather than later is a very common thread. Just hold steady and know that one day soon you will look back and remember these times like they were the distant past. I remember the devastation of feeling rejected by Jane and thinking "How can we go from her despising me to a mother-daughter relationship?" That seems like a lifetime ago.
You are in my prayers and I appreciate all of the encouragement you have given me even when you are so busy.
Mary, I think I understand what you are feeling. Even without having the "complication" of adoption and all of it's unique challenges, there are days when I too feel inadequate to the job that God has given to me -- the job of mothering my (by today's standards) large family. But knowing we are inadaquate in and of ourself only makes us turn more towards and rely more on our divine parent. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Mary,
Hang in there!! All your feelings are totally natural!I am here for you whenever you want to talk or need a hug from someone who completely understands. Try to remember that God brought this whole situation about and see will see it through to completion.Consider yourself hugged! Cherie
Mary,
You know you are not in this a lone. You have wonderful support from a loving husband and great friends..I think it's ok to lean on them for a season. Don't you?
Hi Mary,
I feel so with you on these emotions. The good thing is is that these initial feelings are replaced by new feelings as you all grow withing your family. It really does all come together. The dynamics of the family seem all in a jumbled mess as everyone tries to be all they need to be. Overwhelming seems not even to touch the surface at times..it seems bigger. I am so glad that you are able to talk about it. I have said it a lot since we have added to our family again...Transition! It's a journey, and one that we are on with you! Jody
Remember to keep dancing! You will eventually enjoy the same steps. I'm thinking about you. I feel so bad that I haven't even had a chance to stop over to meet everyone. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone Thursday evening. Take care and call anytime!
Becky
Hi Mary! Saw you from a distance today. As I read you posting, I thought of Pastor Bob's message on "extravagant love". I reflected on my time with my parents, children, grandchildren and friends at church in the past 2days. Although circumstances vary and the emotions that accompany all that can be so contrasting, there is one thread that binds all of those into one: being there for each other in the great and not-so-great times. You are there for each of your children and for Allen!It is overwhelming and exhausting and continues to be for me even at this stage but what a gift it is to experience that kind of extravagant love with each of them. We're "cheering" you on! Rox
ps: So far, I have not had complete success in "fixing"
everything and everyone in my family, but I am working on it! ha ha
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