One of the biggest hurdles for me to climb over was accepting the fact that adoption would mean that our family would never be the same. It's not that I haven't had a lot of experience in the area of letting go. After all, I have watched (and allowed!) both Lindsay and Kristin leave the nest and pursue their own dreams. It is a natural part of life, but for me, has been a difficult thing. To be honest, I think it is the hardest thing about being a mom. But it happens... and really, you wouldn't want it any other way.
I started to walk through the house and look at pictures of our family. Would I have to take all those old (and treasured) family pictures down? Will we ever travel again as a family? Will my older girls ever come back to sleep at our house? How will this effect our relationships with each other? Will it be hard for our new kids to watch old family videos? Will we ever be able to sit all together at a restaurant? Lots of thoughts came rushing in my head about how things were going to change. I would have to say that for about two weeks I had a feeling of loss and anxiety, maybe even grief. I like my family. It's comfortable, it's easy (relatively), and it is becoming more fun and less work all the time. Why would I give that up? Well, for me I guess the answer goes back to that calling. I believe that God has put this burden on my heart at this time in my life for a reason. I can't say no to that.
The other piece of this is that I feel as if we made this decision as a family. Although Allen and I certainly made the final decision, the input of our girls was HUGE. What a great decision to make together. The girls were the ones to quickly point out that adoption was something that our family could do together. How can you beat that?
I know that there are certain aspects of our life that will never be the same, but there is a certain peace in knowing that you are being obedient to God and living in the center of His will. I believe that I am...or that at least I am trying to. We can never go back and relive the past. On the other hand, nothing that happens in our future will take away all the great memories we already have.
I don't have all the answers to all my questions about this big change, but I guess that I don't have to. I know that this process of letting go will be a constant battle, but for now, I think I have made it over the first hurdle of letting go and I am doing ok. Stay tuned and thanks for all your encouraging words.
2 comments:
I am so excited for all of you! I have always been interested in adoption and I think this will not only be a blessing to you and your family, but to everyone else around you.
You are touching and changing the lives of three beautiful children! I am excited to meet our new cousins.
I think the support of your girls is exciting! At one time (when Isaac was just a couple of years old) Art and I talked about adoption, but not all of our kids were "on board". Since then, we have found the challenge of raising 5 boys to be more than enough under our present circumstances. The things you have shared about how this all came about -- how you all came to be in the same frame of mind at the same time, is evidence of God's hand in this whole situation. It is particularly interesting to hear about the connections with your three kids that existed even before you knew they were yours!
I hope I get to meet Roselyn, Romeo and Rodrigo when they come home! (They are beautiful kids!)
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