What if???????????????????????????????
What if they don't like us? What if they don't like me??
What if they don't want to come with us?
How should I act when we meet them on that first day?
Will I cry? Will they cry?
How will things go when we get back to the States??
Will they make friends?
Will they respect me?
Will they be affectionate towards us? towards me??
How will this change my relationship with my other three daughters?
Will I be able to love them like I love my other three?
What kind of strain will this put on our marriage?
Will they be happy? Will I be happy?
Will I have any control of my life? Can I do this??
These questions only scratch the surface of all the fear I was feeling a few months back. I am at a different place now and am happy to say that I do have the answers to some of these questions. In case you were wondering...I did not cry when we met our kids. They also did not cry. It was all pretty low key except that I could see Roselyn put her hands over her face when we turned into the driveway at CSC. We do have a tape of our first few minutes together so we can look back and remember all of those feelings. The other answer that I can report back to you is about the affection. Each child responds to their mom's touch in a different way. Allen and I are very deliberate as we look for opportunities to express our love through hugs, wrestling (not me!), back and foot rubs and kisses. Much to my surprise, the boys are not afraid to show affection toward Allen and me...at least when we are at home. One of them even said the other day..."Mom, why didn't you give me a hug when I got home today?" Allen and I both feel like maybe we are making up for lost time. At any rate, we now know the answer to a few of the initial questions, but it will take a lifetime to answer many of the other BIG questions.
Fear of the unknown is REALLY scary... especially when you KNOW your life is going to change in a DRAMATIC way. I think it is scarier than whatever actually comes to pass as you navigate through that uncertain chapter in your life. In my experience, fear and worry are very different. For me, worry is a nagging feeling that comes and goes. I am not a big worrier. I am generally pretty optimistic about life. (I have however, had a few sleepless nights along the way.) Fear... real fear is much more uncomfortable...much more intense. I don't think I had ever experienced this kind of fear until we started down our path to adopting three children. It is something that I continue to deal with, but as we learn more about each other and settle into our new life, it continues to get better.
The worst thing (and the best thing) about fear of the unknown is that it is totally out of my control. It has stretched my faith like never before. I have no choice but to trust God to use me in spite of my weaknesses, insecurities and unbelief...and to get me through to the next day. That has been a good thing as I am learning to let go of my own agendas and expectations. My job is to be faithful to this calling and to do the best that I can to make it happen. It is a daily exercise for me to walk by faith and not by sight, but I am learning to face my fears a bit more courageously.
Here are few quotes/verses that have inspired me along the way. Maybe they can encourage you today!
"Courage in not the absence of fear. Courage is when you choose to acknowledge your fear, and look it in the face." Unknown
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot." Eleanor Roosevelt
"I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my ship." Louisa May Alcott
6 comments:
Mary,
I LOVE this post. I have been worrying about those same things. I was wondering if you could give me your email address. I feel like I have so many questions for you since you've already gone through this somewhat. There aren't many others who adopt older kids, and it's so different than with toddlers. My email is thompson@bjbus.net
I haven't been here for a week or so and had to catch up. I'm glad I did. I actually was just reading something else that reminded me I needed to check in here again:
http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1662_10_ways_to_pastor_adoptive_parents_and_those_considering_adoption/
As Erica and I consider our own family plans we know adoption will be a part of it and your blog has been such a blessing to us. Give Roselyn a birthday hug from us.
Aaron and Erica
The last comment cut off the website I was just reading I'll try again:
http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1662_10_ways_to_pastor_adoptive_parents_and_those_considering_adoption/
It did it again so here is a shortened version that I think should work.
http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1662
I can remember very vividly a time in my life when I experienced a prolonged period of fear and anxiety. It was so hard! And I am so sorry that you have had to experience anything like that yourself. But it's hard to imagine how any of us can go through the whole of life without experiencing it (a dark night of the soul?) at some point. One good thing, though, is that once you've passed through it, anything hard that you experience in the future doesn't seem so bad in comparison! Thanks for being willing to voice your fear, Mary. That's something I found hard to do.
Thanks Mary for talking about the fear of adopting. We have two boys and just got a referral for a girl. So many things run through my mind because I know nothing on how to raise a girl. Glad to see all your kids so happy.
Post a Comment