PREGNANCY

Allen and I started the official adoption process on the last week of January. I have wondered all along about how long it would take from the beginning of the process to the end when we get to bring our three children home. I have spoken to many of my friends about my "pregnancy". It seems that in God's infinite wisdom, our adoption journey will take approximately 10 months. That is pretty close to a REAL physical pregnancy and here are some of my thoughts about it.

1ST TRIMESTER
I have first hand experience with physical pregnancy. My first pregnancy was the scariest. I was excited about what was to come, but it was also VERY daunting. AM I mature enough to have a baby?? WILL Allen and I make good parents? WILL I be a good mom? WILL I have to change? CORRECTION...HOW will I have to change? WILL we have a boy or a girl? WHAT will he/she look like? WHOSE personality will he/she resemble?? What kind of person will he/she be when he/she grows up? I was having lots of questions and feelings of inadequacy twenty-two years ago. I remember when we started telling people our big news. It is hard to hold such important information, but once you "spill the beans", there is no turning back. From then on, it is every one's business. People begin to picture you as a family of three! Everyone asks about the baby...and it's all good. FAST FORWARD twenty-some years... This time I am expecting three little people. Of course it is very exciting...but it is also very daunting. I STILL wonder if I am mature enough to have these three children. WILL Allen and I be good (old) parents? WILL I be a good mom?? WILL I HAVE TO CHANGE??? (Hello!? Are you kidding, Mary!) Well then, HOW will my life change? We know what our kids look like, but we are just now beginning to learn about their personalities. WILL we get along? WHAT will they be like when they grow up? WHAT problems will we face as they grow older? There were a few early days where I felt so much anxiety about this...I thought I would die. I knew that once we started to talk openly about the adoption, we were committed. It meant answering a lot of questions that I wasn't ready to answer.

2ND TRIMESTER
This three to five month phase was always my favorite. I was never very sick for any of my physical pregnancies, and I actually liked how I felt during this time. I could feel my baby shift and move and it felt pretty good-not uncomfortable at all! I began to communicate to this little person growing inside of me. It was fun because my due date seemed so far away and life was still pretty normal during this period of time. It was a time when we got the room ready and started thinking about what life was going to be like with a baby. Life went on as usual for the most part. I would say that there were even times when I actually forgot that I was going to have a baby! Twenty-two years later...My second trimester took place this spring and early summer. We would get occasional emails from all of our kids and once in a while we would talk on the phone or through the computer. We started to get to know them. We were busy getting our downstairs ready by ripping out walls, painting and buying new furniture but I KNOW that there were days when I was so wrapped up in the details of my life that I simply forgot about the adoption all together. It's not that I didn't care...it just seemed so far away. (The paperwork was taking...forever!) Step by step, from the home study to the fingerprints, to the endless phone calls, we began to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

3RD TRIMESTER
As the months continued, my belly became bigger and my body could no longer FORGET that a baby was on the way! It was harder to breath and to sleep and whoa! don't go near a mirror because there was no forgetting that a baby was coming! My thoughts turned back to the big questions again. WILL I be a good mom? WILL Allen and I do a good job in teaching him/her the TRUTH? WILL I walk by faith? HOW will a baby change our marriage?? What will we name him/her? Will he/she hate that name?? WHAT kind of future will he/she have? Will he/she be happy? DO WE KNOW WHAT WE ARE GETTING INTO??!! The thoughts I had went from the very immediate (Do we have diapers?) to serious questions about the future. I think every pregnant mom gets to the point where she just WANTS TO GET IT OVER WITH!!! The delivery alone is pretty frightening and there is so much anxiety as you approach the due date. I was induced with all three of my kids. When Lindsay was born, we drove to the hospital in the morning knowing full well that we (WE? what am I saying???!!! perhaps I is more accurate) were going to deliver a tiny little person. She was going to come live with us for the next eighteen or so years and change our lives...forever! A weird feeling, but I remember it well. Here we are again in a slightly different situation having very similar questions. WILL Allen and I be good parents to these children? Will our family BLEND together? Will Allen and I do a good job in teaching them the TRUTH about God? Will we walk by faith? HOW will these kids CHANGE our marriage? HOW stressful will it be? Will they be happy and what will their future look like? DO WE HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT WE ARE DOING???!!

I am about three weeks away from "delivering" three very special souls into my home. They have been growing in my heart for quite some time now. Although no one can see this, I am sort of like a pregnant mom who is ready to burst! (Thankfully, this time I don't have to endure the physical ramifications of this phenomenon!) I wish I could look into the future to see how things will turn out...but I can't. I would have loved to know the future of my three older girls when they were born, but I couldn't then either. I have a better idea of how things are turning out for them now, but really, they have a long way to go (as I do). It is by design that we can see only what God has for us today. Psalm 119:105. "Your Word is a Light unto my feet and a Lamp unto my feet." Simple, but profound. God will walk with me today and I don't need to know any more than that. This verse has been so helpful to me as I get ready for a BIG unknown in my life. This DELIVERY is pretty scary to me, but it is forcing me to trust in God like I have never done before. Frankly, I am getting to the point where I JUST WANT TO GET IT OVER WITH...AND GET ON WITH LIFE! I don't know if I will ever be ready to adopt three kids. But I DO know that Allen and I are trying to be faithful to God's calling in our life. Lots of things have changed since Lindsay was born - the world, the players, our family! But it gives me great comfort to know that God hasn't changed. He was there on the day we brought each of our oldest girls home from the hospital and has been with us every step of the way since. As we bring our newest kids home, He will again be with us, granting us the grace we need for every new day. I'm counting on it.